1) Gauge.
One of the dictionary definitions of the word 'gauge' is as follows:-
"An instrument for measuring or testing."
Okay, fair enough. But if I want something measuring or testing, I could probably find something altogether more effective than a petite twenty-something hardcore pornography star.
If you're going to name yourself after something in a DIY store, you could have picked practically anything else, including Belt Sander, Spirit Level or even Wallpaper Scraper.
2) Bamboo.
I really don't get what she was trying to do with that name. Well, I do, sort of.
She's Oriental, innit? So she obviously wanted to choose a name that had an Oriental flavour to it. And bamboo was the first thing that came to mind. Because that's associated with Asia, isn't it? It's obvious!
Therefore, by the logic of just picking something randomly from your culture to represent you as a name regardless of how stupid it looks, my porn name could be Red Phone Box.
3) Flick Shagwell.
I'm really quite disappointed with Flick for this one, really.
I can see what she's trying to do. She was a British star going over to America who wanted to make sure people knew she was a British star. So she chose a name that would be a nice pop culture reference for the Americans, with a reference to Austin Powers.
But it's still very poor. I think it's the Flick part that mostly spoils it.
4) Jewel De'Nyle.
This one has always got on my nerves.
A crap piece of playing around with the title of a film from the 1980s, it really doesn't mean anything. As far as I'm aware, she's not of African origin, nor is she a precious gem of any particular kind.
A particularly poor example of something plucked out of the air because it sounds exotic but ultimately is quite shit.
5) Kinky.
She could at least have tried.
6) Mia Bangg.
Where do I even begin with this one?
They obviously thought at the beginning that Mia Bang looked a bit too obvious. I know! Let's stick an extra 'g' on the end, and maybe that will look so much better! NO. It could not look any LESS better if it tried.
Bloody hellfire, don't we overuse letters unnecessarily in the English language enough in words like 'queue' without porn stars jumping on the cocking bandwagon as well? Christ almighty.
7) Pason.
There are, let me tell you, a LOT of porn stars out there who are called Mason either as a first name as a surname.
So obviously this girl didn't want to get lost in the crowd, but she still sort of still wanted to be called Mason becaused it's a nice name. So she went down the alphabet thus:-
"Aason. Bason. Cason. Dason. Dason? Nah. Eason....
Couple of minutes later.
"....Lason. Oh, Mason! Oh, no, wait. Nason. Oason. Pason! Pason? Does that work? That's the one!"
I reckon she should have kept going to 'v'.
8) Smokie Flame.
Alright, okay, she has red hair. I'll giver her that.
But you know what? Lots of people are going to go searching for her stuff thinking she's a smoking fetishist and find out that she's not. And they're going to be well pissed off with her. And it will serve her right.
9) Tobi Pacific.
I'm sorry, but this one just does not work on any level at all.
It's just not sexy or erotic in any way. The name 'Tobi', no matter how you want to spell it, just does not associate itself with anything to do with sexiness.
And as for 'Pacific'? Well, this girl might just want to ask herself why no other porn stars have named themselves after large bodies of water.
10) Star E. Knight
Mainly for being a pun so bad they wouldn't have used it in a Carry On film.
